There isn’t enough time in the world for me to address all the issues I have with society and politics at the moment. If we’re being fair it’s not really “at the moment,” but “at every moment leading up to and including this one.” I am a strong, smart, educated woman, and I believe that gives me a responsibility to do what I can to make sure people who are not as privileged as I am have the same or more opportunities than I have.
The fact of the matter is, my future happiness depends on feminism smashing the patriarchy. I want to be independent. I want to have a job. I want to decide whether I become pregnant again. I want to vote. I want to control my money. I want to continue my education. I want my children, as well as every other man, woman, and child, to have the right to make these decisions for themselves as well.
Since I don’t think I could possibly catalog every systemic issue that patriarchy creates in society, I’ve decided to put on my parenting hat and focus on something that is a near-constant talking point in our house: consent.
Teaching consent is an important way to empower children of all genders, and lays the foundation for self-confidence and respect for oneself and others. I’m a millennial (stop rolling your eyes and just listen), and I don’t consider myself very old, but even in just my lifetime, huge changes have been made in how parents approach their relationship with their children, and their children’s relationship with other adults. Everyone has memories of having to give Aunt Shirley a kiss, or being ignored during a tickle fight, or some weird friend making a comment about your body. Hopefully, my generation can put a stop to this as parents.
Teaching consent to young children
Body autonomy
First and foremost, children should not be forced to hug or kiss anyone, including parents, siblings, and other relatives. A high five, a wave, fist bump, or hand shake are excellent alternatives.
It is important to allow children to have as much body autonomy as is age-appropriate. If a child is old to dress himself, let him. If a child is old enough to wipe after going to the bathroom, let her. If a child wants to show affection, teach him or her the socially appropriate way to do that. Encourage them to ask permission from the other person and operate with a “yes means yes” attitude (i.e. don’t wait for someone to say no to stop, don’t assume silence is consent).
Listening to requests quickly and obviously
If a child is old enough to say no, verbally or non-verbally, listen to the “no.” When a child says “no” or “stop” to an adult, listen, support them, and intervene if the adult doesn’t listen. Clinging to a leg, turning away, or hiding are all ways kids tell us they are uncomfortable, so it’s important we look for body language too. My daughter is only eight months old, but when she signs “all done,” we listen.
Encourage children to do the same by thanking them intentionally for stopping when YOU ask, or by pointing out when adults listen to each other.
Take children seriously when they say they are uncomfortable around someone or with a situation. Don’t force a child to go somewhere or be around someone that they have expressed discomfort about. Investigate, change plans, and intervene as necessary.
No body shaming
A huge part of consent is knowing what is about feeling in control of your body, particularly your private parts. Teaching children about their private parts does not have to be the same as teaching kids to be ashamed of their body. While it may be funny when my three-year-old runs out of the bathroom with his pants down, it’s my responsibility to teach him that it’s rude to expose your penis in public.
Encourage children to ask questions about anatomy, and use correct anatomical terms when discussing the body. If you don’t feel comfortable leading the discussion, get a book designed for children to help address any questions. I like It’s Not The Stork by Robie Harris.
Teach children what is appropriate for “public” and “private,” which body parts are allow to be exposed and touched in public, and which are not. Who is allowed to touch those parts, and who should not. This lays foundation for them knowing why consent is important. Encourage kids to ask lots of questions and give them a “private” time and place that they can be naked if they want to, to remind them their body is nothing to be ashamed of.
Side note: I am dreading the day that my kids realize, probably at the beach or a pool party, that society does expect women to be ashamed of their bodies. I don’t yet know how I will answer, “Why do I have to wear a shirt, but Henry doesn’t?” My current instinct would be to say, “Well dear, it’s because the patriarchy views women as sex objects to be manipulated then shamed. They see YOUR nipples as horrifyingly sexual and inappropriate for common society, while your brother’s are just harmless vestiges of a skill he never had.” However I imagine the blank stare I will receive will necessitate something more age-appropriate, and I just haven’t thought of that yet. For now, my son wears a rash guard so there are no nipples at all.
No blind trust
Children are often taught to blindly follow their authority figures, to trust in them absolutely. This can lead to them sacrificing their ability to consent in the future, and sacrificing their body autonomy to those with authority. Every child (and adult) should feel able to tell adults “no” and be heard, regardless of that person’s role, job, or power. Parents set the example, and encouraging children to question, speak up, and have opinions is the first step in empowering them in the future.
For example, it’s our responsibility to teach our kids what to expect when interacting with other adults with authority, a doctor for example. Explain what the doctor’s visit should entail, what constitutes an appropriate touch, and how to question it if they’re uncomfortable. Parents should attend all appointments and be in the room at all times, with the exception of rare moments like a teenager talking to his/her doctor about sexual health. However, discussing what to expect is just as important, possibly more so, at that stage.
I hope this gives your some good tools for your parenting tool belt, as well as some concrete ideas to teach a very conceptual skill. What else can we do to help empower our children and teach them to be respectful? Leave it in the comments!