Santa? How could you be “struggling with Santa”? I hear the question you’re asking, and I don’t think it’s weird you’re asking it. All parenting struggles are unique to a certain degree. Every child is different, after all. But if this one seems more unique than usual, I understand. We’re weird. I’m weird. So this struggle might be weird too.
Let me start by saying, I’ve always celebrated secular Christmas. It’s full of giving gifts, charity, snowmen, snowflakes, candy canes, and all the trimmings and trappings traditionally associated with the “holiday” season — including Santa. However, the year my son was born, I realized that there was the potential for hypocrisy in my Santa-based celebrations.
I really disagreed with the idea of threatening him (for good or for bad) with Santa, when I was unwilling to do the same thing with heaven or hell. After all, what’s the difference to an agnostic family? Neither would feel truthful or genuine. And really, how bad would he have to be to NOT get presents?
At the end of the day, I want him to be good – for goodness sake, not because he may or may not get presents. The threat of coal never really fooled me, so I doubt it would fool him. (He probably wouldn’t even know what the heck coal is!) The “Big Brother” aspect of Santa mythology has never been my favorite, so we are trying our best to omit it. The greater “lie” of his existence is harder to tackle, and gets into some very long conversations about what it means for a character to be real or fake.
My husband and I talked about it, and we decided that we’d address Santa as a character, but not as our personal gift-bringer. He would be like Mickey Mouse, fun to talk about and see, but having no effect on our Christmas Day celebrations. We’d try not to lie to H, but also try not to outright deny Santa’s existence, so as not to potentially ruin “the magic” for other kids he may talk to. For two Christmases this worked, mostly because my son was so young, he didn’t understand or care to ask about details.
Flash forward to Christmas with a 3.5 year old. At preschool he is inundated with Santa lore and mythology. He started to look confused while sining “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town.” H looked to me for guidance when the mall Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas. And then it happened. The moment I was dreading, but knew would come:
“Mama, you need to get a chimney” (pronounced “chim-in-ee”).
“Why, buddy?”
“So Santa can come here and give me presents.”
I froze. I looked at my husband, but he hadn’t heard the comment. I felt like The Grinch facing Cindy Lou-Who. So I thought up a lie, and I thought it up quick.
I thought of all kinds of tales I could tell him. I thought about explaining the physics of a house without a chimney. Everything was too complicated. Everything was too involved. I didn’t want to lie, but I didn’t want tell him “there’s no such thing” either. Finally, after hemming and hawing, I came to a compromise:
“Well bud, Mommy and Daddy have all your presents covered. Do you think it would be okay if Santa skipped our house?”
He narrowed his eyes, squinting at me, cynically. “Santa can bring me presents too!” he finally replied.
“Well, he could, but that might take a while. Since you already have presents from Mommy and Daddy, do you think we can save Santa some time, so he can give more presents to kids who don’t have any?”
More squinting. More analyzing. More consideration. “Yeah, that’d be okay.”
*breathes heavy sigh of relief*
I’m glad this conversation happened after H and I collected toys for donation. Since we had just talked about kids who need toys and how the holidays are a time for giving, it made the explanation easier, and hopefully with a grain of truth.
Christmas is a feeling, more than anything else. Santa can exist in the heart of all people, just as Christians believe God can live within people. So call it Santa, God, Jesus, or whatever you will, but I do hope those with the giving spirit spend more time on those without, making sure they have something to celebrate this year. Toys for Tots, giving trees, a donation bucket, adopt-a-family – these are the ways we can all be Santa. That is the way we celebrate.
So who knows what will happen Christmas morning, but for now, the existential Santa crisis has been averted — or at least delayed. And our reason for the season will continue to be best described with Muppet lyrics:
With an open smile and with open doors
I will bid you welcome, what is mine is yours
With a glass raised to toast your health (With a glass raised to toast your health)
And a promise to share the wealth (Promise to share the wealth)
I will sail a friendly course, file a friendly chart
On a sea of love and a thankful heart
.