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Today I’m Struggling With…An Unfair Advantage

From the moment I had my first child. No wait, from the moment I got pregnant with my first child. No, from the moment I started trying to get pregnant with my first child (there we go!) I have changed my habits, choices, and thoughts to accommodate a new life. I stopped thinking about myself as an individual with singular wants or needs. I forced myself to set aside my personal desires to make room for someone else’s – someone who I had yet to meet, someone who didn’t even exist yet.

In many ways I’ve had the unfair advantage (let’s call it that, flatteringly) of being able to practice this parental empathy for months and years beyond my husband. I stopped drinking alcohol in August 2013, when we started “trying” for our first kid. It was the first time I had to put my own desires aside and say to myself, “this isn’t about you anymore, so buck up, buttercup!” It wasn’t “hard” per se, but it was a choice and I stuck to it even when it was inconveniently noticeable or just plain not fun.

I gave up more when I got pregnant. I gave up more when he was born – sleep being the most memorable and affecting. I continued having to think about the baby first, myself second (maybe). And around the time I felt like I was finally able to think about myself again, we thought another kid sounded like a good idea. And so the process started over. Continue reading “Today I’m Struggling With…An Unfair Advantage”

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Today I’m Struggling With…Other People’s Kids

I don’t like kids. There. I said it. I have never liked kids. I don’t even recall liking kids when I was a kid. I’m the youngest in my family. I never babysat. Until I had I had a child, I was never around babies for any extended amount of time.

To be clear: I love my kids. They are the bee’s knees. The cat’s pajamas. My world. But in no way does that obligate me to like other people’s kids, or as like to call them: OPP (Other People’s Progeny).

No. Actually, every interpretation of that acronym makes me uncomfortable.

Now that I’m a mom, I feel like I am expected to gush over everyone else’s kids, to find them endlessly charming simply because I have one (or two) of my own. And that’s just not the case. My coworkers have kids. They’re fine. My sister’s friends have kids. Cool. H has preschool friends. Neat. The case just remains, if I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t like kids.

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Today I’m Struggling With…Loneliness

I recently saw a friend whom I hadn’t seen in many years. She used to be my best friend and roommate, but life and my bad habit of losing touch had allowed us to drift apart. In the years since we’ve last spoken, we both have gotten married, I’ve had two kids, and now she’s pregnant with her first. When I was in her area, we got together and had breakfast with my family. The night before I was so nervous, because I realized I had nothing to talk about except my kids. I had no idea what else her and I had in common anymore. I feared to ask her the same dull, asinine questions that everyone asks pregnant women.

“How are feeling?”
“Are you nervous?”
“Have you picked any names?”

I hated having to answer these over and over when I was pregnant, but now I hated that I couldn’t think of anything better to say.

Continue reading “Today I’m Struggling With…Loneliness”