Hello! I’m Danielle. I married my high school sweetheart and have two amazing, wild young boys.
Today, I’m sitting on the fence. I’m blissfully kicking my legs back and forth, not making a decision to move forward or backward. I’m trying not to choose to even get off the fence on either side onto the green grass.
If you are a person in our society, at one point in time, you will be on this exact fence with me. It’s the “Should we have any/a/a second/a third/etc child(ren)?” fence. Once you get into a partnered relationship, you get the questions about when/if you are going to get married. If you decide to get married, you get the questions about when/if you are going to have children. If you bring one child into your family, you get the questions about having a second child and giving your child a sibling. This goes on and on until the end of time.
This past weekend, I got asked by no less than five people when or if we were going to have a third child. I mean…I don’t know, man. Sometimes, I think it will be a great idea. Sometimes, I’d rather stab my eyes out with a stick from the Kerplunk game. But, how am I supposed to say that over a cheese plate at a dinner party? How am I supposed to explain the nuances of a complicated birth or the history of miscarriages or our plans for a vacation next year? I’d like to rejoin the work force at one point. Would a stranger think that is a selfish reason for not having a third child? Should I care?
Kids come into our lives under all different circumstances. Some of us don’t have choices on whether or when children come into our lives. Some of us worry about the finances, about childcare, about our careers, about caring for aging parents, about our bodies, physical and mental health and fertility, about the kind of lifestyle we can provide for our other children/people who rely on us, about having to buy a new car or where would the kid sleep or what if I’m a terrible parent or what if…
Look, if you have kids, if you don’t have kids, if you are one-and-done or two-and-through or even if you are raising a quiverful of anarchist feminists, I really don’t care. Only you and your family can know if or when you have children or don’t. It’s none of anyone’s business. And, it’s okay if you don’t know yet. It’s okay if your opinion changes from day-to-day or hour-to-hour. Life is a weird, cluster-muck of changes and stuff. We’re all just doing our best every day. And if you need some space on the fence, I can scoot over and we can hang out here together. And I promise to try not to ask you if you are having any children next time we hang out at a dinner party.
Danielle Donaldson is President of the Donaldson household and a romantic fiction writer. She lives with her husband, two young sons, a giant German Shepard, a tiny sassy chihuahua and two lazy cats in Southern California. Find her and her work online at WriterDanielleDonaldson.com or on Twitter @WriterDonaldson.